“It felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest.”
– Jennifer Lopez on Ben Affleck, in her memoir True Love
“In the beginning, you tamp down the animosity for the kids’ sake. “I’m not going to deny that I went through the wringer. But I don’t think I doubted we’d end up here. That was always my dream, that the kids can have two loving parents that show respect for each other. And I feel that’s what they have.”
– Elin Nordegren on Tiger Woods, People
“I think when I came into marriage—especially when you’ve had divorced parents like myself… You’d want to try even harder to make it work and you don’t want to fall back into a pattern that you’ve seen happen in your own family. I desperately want it to work; I desperately love my husband and I wanted to share everything together. And I thought that we were a very good team.”
– Princess Diana on Prince Charles, 1995 Panorama Interview
“[Divorce is] very humiliating and very isolating… But, by the way, if it’s not painful, maybe it wasn’t the right decision to marry to begin with. Those are the appropriate emotions. When people get in your face and say, ‘This will pass,’ you think, Are they crazy? I’m never gonna feel any better than I feel right this minute. And nothing’s ever gonna make sense again. And I still have moments where I’m like, ‘Nothing’s ever gonna make sense again.'”
— Reese Witherspoon on Ryan Phillippe, ELLE
Why do we continue to allow ourselves to be hurt? I suppose it has something to do with knowing you have nothing to lose by loving and everything to lose if you don’t. I believe that. I also believe that each experience, each encounter no matter how insignificant it might seem, bears something transformative. And ever expanding. Who I am, and all those amazingly scary, difficult-to-digest events that have brought me here. To this particular moment, to this particular place.
Here are tips to help you recover from break ups
ACCEPT THE PAIN
Accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience some suffering.
When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.
The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. Your pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken.
This is not to belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you’ve built up during your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time when the pain becomes unhealthy.
Don’t Fight Your Feelings A break-up is often accompanied by a wide variety of powerful and negative feelings including sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, jealousy, fear and regret, to mention a few. If you try to ignore or suppress these feelings, you will likely only prolong the normal grieving process, and sometimes get totally stuck in it. Healthy coping means both identifying these feelings and allowing ourselves to experience these feelings. As hard as it is, you cannot avoid the pain of loss, but realize that by experiencing these feelings, they will decrease over time and you will speed up the grieving process. The stages of grieving frequently include: shock/denial, bargaining, anger, depression and eventually acceptance.
Keep busy. If you wake up early take a walk, go out to breakfast or do something around the house. Try a little “retail therapy” (go shopping) or enjoy the decadence of going to a movie in the middle of the day. Many businesses allow their staff to take “mental health days” if needed. If you can’t sleep do the crossword puzzle, read or watch TV. Don’t sit in your room and ruminate, you have to free your mind so your heart can heal.
Don’t try to mask your pain by trying to find a replacement. We all know the term “rebound relationship” these happen when we (unconsciously) use another person to fill the gap that’s been created by the ending of a relationship. These transitional connections can feel healing in the short term, but if you don’t process your pain appropriately you will not be able to be in a fully committed partnership.
Give yourself permission.
It is okay to be smile again. It’s okay to find something funny and have your curiosity evoked. It’s perfectly fine to dwell on other matters besides your old love. It’s acceptable to feel those first flutterings for someone else. It’s okay to have your heart beat for something, someone else again.
I like to think that it really takes very little to survive after our heart’s been very broken — some gumption, a little bit of hope, the daring to dream again… and patience. Know this now: The time has come to stop wasting your heart and time in anger and obsession – re-living the pain of relationships past. Be thankful for the lessons and life experiences this relationship has taught you, and be hopeful for the future. Know that there are better things to come and welcome every new experience that comes your way with open arms—they may just exceed your expectations.
We are driving on Transcanada Hwy just past Swift Current, Saskatchewan heading home to Winnipeg. Every driver is supposed to drive at 110 km per hour on this highway. I am driving at 114 km/hr, just 4 km above the limit, not too bad. In front of us to the right is a line of truck, my assumption is that they too are driving at 114 km/hr because it is taking too long to pass them. We stay on the left side. As I attempt to pass the 6 trucks on the right lane, I see a sports car veer just behind us. They must be driving at around 130 km/hr. As we pass the first truck, I see car behind tailgating us, kind of putting pressure on me to speed up, coming just a few meters close to us. We accelerate to 119, he comes even closer.
I can not go faster than that to impress him…but he keeps on coming even closer. I choose not to yield to the pressure. These guy behind me is in a black BMW. I see him checking his phone, then making angry faces at me and getting closer and closer. I am feel threatened by his tailgating, I know that his car is too closer to us than it is safe, a bad accident could easily happen should I have a sudden need for to slow or stop for unforeseen circumstances ahead of me. I speed up alittle bit, thinking it might calm him down but it did not. We continue like that for the next ten kilometers until we finally passed all the trucks. Finally he zooms past us at a speed of lightening.
“I hope he does not get a ticket.”
I don’t how others feel when I was telling you this story; I have to be honest with you that when I first saw the car behind me I started to feel under pressure to speed past the trucks to give him a right of way. But as I thought through it I decided not to speed any faster, I knew that speeding was only one part of the solution of yielding to the driver’s behavior, I also knew I could show some anger or probably swear at him but that is not me….I wanted to handle the situation differently, I wanted to stay calm and allow him to pass as soon as I had a chance. I had to choose to keep my testosterone in check and I knew that deep in me I had that power of saying no to the tempting spirit.
We all experience pressures in our lives. We feel pressured to perform, to conform and please others. We experience financial pressures, social pressures, career and professional pressures – pressures in relationships, (marriages, partnerships, parenting, etc.). We want to pin the blame for pressure. In this situations we feel that we need to take our power back from these external forces. And, this accurate – when we are experiencing pressure, it’s a signal that we have an opportunity to call our energy and power back to ourselves. We just get confused on how to do that.
The dictionary defines pressure as stress, a constant state of worry and urgency. It’s a force that pushes or urges, (emphasis on force). To pressure is to compel, or make someone do something. Some pressures are healthy, and even necessary. The adrenaline rush we feel at the start of a new project, or when we have a deadline approaching, helps motivate us. But when we try to do too much, all the time, stress becomes the enemy – quite literally. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, raises the body’s metabolic rate in readiness for a ‘fight or flight’ response. It increases heart rate, breathing and blood pressure. It affects background body functions too, like digestion, cell division and even our reproductive processes — putting them on hold until calm returns.
Being on constant alert and able to react to an imminent, life-threatening emergency is great when you need it, but living constantly in that state is detrimental. Stress affects our ability to think clearly and remember things; it has been shown to increase the likelihood of depression and can exacerbate health risks like stroke and heart disease. It also impacts our immune systems, which scientists now fear can impair our ability to fight cancer. Thus, unrealistic worries are over-reactions to a tolerable situation or a prolonged over-reaction to a threatening situation that can not be avoided. But how can you be sure a situation won’t cause trouble? You can’t. How can you be sure you won’t handle the problem any better if you worried about it a lot more? You can’t be. However, we can learn to recognize extreme over-reactions, e.g. being terrified while flying or obsessing for hours about an insoluble problem. But a little worry about crashing while flying is realistic and some thought is necessary to know that you can’t do much about a problem. So, how much time should you devote to a particular problem? There isn’t an exact answer; that’s why some of us let anxiety overwhelm us.
Many a times, we all find ourselves under pressure similar to my tailgate experience, we feel pressure, spoken and unspoken, to do everything and be everything, pressure to provide for your family, to be available to everyone, to meet company targets, to attend every meeting, to keep engaged, to have meaningful and well-maintained relationships. And as we well know, as we grow up we are taught by the people or our environments that we should suck up when we are pressure. We start on a journey that I call survival journey, you start to say, “I just want to get through today.” or, “Just one more party and it’s over.” We start to walk through sad places where we quit to enjoying the season s, the presence, others and starts trying to get through it instead. Beyond stressing about your general workload, if you dwell on the related risks and get wrapped up in thoughts of what could go wrong, you generate patterns of fear that start to seem normal. You get so used to being afraid that you actually start to accept it as a sign that you’re working hard: “Oh, I’ve got to give a big presentation, so I’ve got to be nervous.” That sort of thing.
Over the years I have learnt a thing or two about working under pressure. I have learnt that when one acts or live under intense pressure one start to create survival environments for themselves. I have seen people who live in survival journey making impulsive judgments, angrily rushing to bring closure to whatever matter is at hand. He or she feeling is compelled to get the problem under control immediately, to extinguish the perceived danger lest it destroy him or her. When one lives in survival journey they are robbed of their flexibility, their sense of humor, their ability to deal with the unknown. They forget the big picture and the goals and values they stand for. They lose their “cool” or feeling at peace, they lose their creativity.
I can’t help but think we’re a lot like that when life presses down on us. When the pressure gets too intense, we start looking for ways to bail ourselves out from under the thumb of circumstances that seem too much to handle. And all too often we are tempted to bail in terms of our attitudes, feeling angry, bitter, or even mad at God—or anyone else we can blame our problems on. Or, we are tempted to bail in our actions by refusing to persevere in righteous ways.
Apparently, gaining a sense of mastery or learning one is able to handle problems early in life, e.g. in monkeys who get good mothering and social support when young, seems to protect the adult from serious anxiety. Although fears are generally based on primitive automatic emotional reactions, more intense panic and specific fears occur when we feel particularly vulnerable–open to being seriously hurt. Some of this vulnerability may be genetic tendencies but much is probably learned, often at an early age. How are these dangers, these “Wow, that scares the hell out of me!” reactions, learned? Sometimes, we see the actual results of a real danger–a heart attack, an auto accident, someone going crazy–and we vividly imagine that might happen to us. Examples: Panic attacks often are exacerbated by the scary thoughts that the tightness in my chest and high anxiety means I’m dying from a heart attack, going to faint, going crazy, etc. Such thoughts greatly increase the panic.
Sometimes, we are given specific instructions by others to expect danger, e.g. some social phobics have been told that interacting with others can be disastrous–“they will think you are stupid or weird,” “you can’t trust them,” “you’ll make a fool of yourself,” etc. Sometimes, we have started to think in a certain way (the source may be totally unknown–a TV, movie, book, or just our own fantasy as a child) that implies some situation is dangerous. Examples of this might be: “Oh, what I just said sounded really selfish… dumb… critical… ” which grows into “I’m going to mess up when I talk to them,” “I’m not good at socializing,” “I can’t think of anything to say,” or “I get really uptight and start to sweat when I try to talk to someone.” We can create, in effect, our own dangers, and may be especially prone to do that if we are given certain genes and childhood experiences.
Norman Vincent Peale tells how a young business man asked him to talk with his father, the head of their business. He said. “I’m very worried about Dad. He is so nervous and tense. There are so many pressures and problems in the business and my Dad is giving way under them.” Dr Peale encouraged him to relax and talk over his problem of pressure in the business. After a time, Dr Peale said to him, “I don’t suppose you ever read the Scriptures do you?”
“Certainly I do” the man replied. Dr Peale said, “You read them but you don’t practice them.”
“Of course I practice them, I’m a moral man.”
“I wasn’t talking morals and ethics, I was talking about the healing power of God. Have you ever read the 26th chapter of Isaiah, 3rd verse – ‘You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you’?” Peale then went on to explain that the father had not been keeping his mind on God, he’d let it dwell too much on his problems. He urged him to repeat the text three times a day to get it fixed in his mind and heart. Faith in God, more than anything else, helps us to keep things in perspective and cuts our pressures down to size
It boils down to whether or not we want comfort or character. You or I may think that life should be a bed of roses, but if that’s your take on life, you’re in for a big surprise—trouble happens! The issue is not if you will face trials, it’s how you will respond to the inevitable pressure that the problems of life bring. It may be that you face pressure at work. In the face of a seemingly insurmountable project, it’s easy to think, “If I just fudge a little bit I could get this job done faster.” Or, when the problems at home won’t go away, we find ourselves wondering, “Maybe I’ll just leave so I won’t have to deal with this anymore.” The sin of pride causes us to respond to problems with thoughts like, “I don’t deserve this.” And soon our attitudes are in the dumper and God’s work is derailed.
Are you feeling stuck in life? Many people do. Sometimes it feels as if we simply cannot move on with life. As if there was something that keeping us from pursuing our dreams and hopes. AND THERE WE ARE, Stuck! We feel limited and simply do not know what to do. We have no idea how to break free from the limitations that are imposed upon us. What is worse, we do not even know what it is that is imposed on us and who imposes these limitations on us. It’s quite scary to be confronted with an invisible obstacle you cannot seem to tackle. Even though the situation may seem hopeless, there’s much you can do about it. In fact, there are a variety of highly efficient tactics and powerful tricks you can use to free yourself from being stuck in a rut.
To illustrate how painful being stuck can be, I want to draw from the analogy of the movie, the Groundhog Day. If you have not seen the film Groundhog Day, please do so immediately—it is hilariously entertaining, touching, and has thousands of implicit lessons for improving one’s life, community, and the world. Some of you may know I wrote my dissertation on the 1993 romantic fantasy starring Bill Murray, directed by the late Harold Ramis.
Groundhog Day is about an arrogant TV weather man (Bill Murray) who finds himself stuck in a time loop where he keeps repeating the same day over and over. The worse part? He’s the only one who remembers the past day’s events — no one else seems to remember anything! At first he uses this time loop for personal gain. After a while though, he starts to evaluate his life and priorities.
In the movie, the main character, Phil Connors is trapped in a recurring day — a freezing February day in Punxsutawney. The town never changes; the events and the people never change. Only Phil can change.
It is impossible for Phil to have any control over the external world. Every morning he wakes up and it’s the same day again. He is compelled to find how best to survive and prosper, and decide if this is a curse or maybe a blessing. This is a nightmare everyone fears: to be trapped in a repeat mode forever. Boredom crushes creativity and saps motivation at work and at home. The good news, there is an antidote to boredom. It is about tapping into the power of purpose. The fun part is that there are 5 lessons to be learned from the movie.
So what you can you and I do to get unstuck? As we have already established, you won’t be able to break free by digging deeper. What is necessary is to find another approach that helps us to address the underlying issue.
Here a some lessons for us
Don’t give up.
Again, Groundhog Day as life metaphor: Most of us have at some point been trapped in a situation where no matter what we did, we couldn’t extricate ourselves from some endless cycle of lameness. In the film, Phil’s attempts to bypass the situation altogether by offing himself don’t pan out; they don’t solve anything. The lesson is clear: Giving up doesn’t solve the problem.
Look at the big picture
This is about meeting yourself where you are. What are the current issues? Where do you want to be? And what is the in between? Remember, “The way out, is through.”
Take the wheel.
Stop being a passenger in your own life. Take responsibility for your well-being and break the cycle of blame. Where you are today is solely the result of your choices and actions. Where you will be tomorrow is a result of things you do or don’t do today. Your circumstances and your results are your responsibility. Yes, many external factors are beyond your control, but you can change how you feel about them.
Do your best, live in the moment.
Your best may be different at different times, and at different tasks and in different situations, but it begins with being in the presence, being in the moment you will always know when you are doing it. “Presence” is not about attracting attention to oneself, as some seem to think, but about being present and PAYING attention.
Express, Don’t Repress
As you work your way through your rut, don’t suppress your emotions. Instead, experience them fully. Going back to our example of a job loss, perhaps you’re very sad that you lost your job. Maybe you loved that job and wanted to stay with the company for the rest of your working career. Rather than be depressed for weeks or even months, express the emotion you’re feeling. If you feel you need to cry or yell out in rage, then do so. After you’ve let the emotion out, let it be. Don’t dwell on it forever. Experience the emotion and then move on. Remember, each event we experience in our life is a learning opportunity. Find the lesson that’s hidden in your current situation so you can move on.
We are All in a Prison of Our Own Making
Everyone is living out their own Groundhog Day as we speak. You’re bumping into the same problems, the same issues, the same challenges in most of the situations you’re in, because, duh, you’re you, and this is your heavy, heavy synthetic bag. You could even argue that this is The Point of why you’re here.
Help Others In Need
The first time that Phil passes the old homeless man on the street in Punxsutawney, he pats his pockets pretending not to have any money. But over the course of the movie, Phil becomes more and more empathetic to the old man’s tragic situation. Phil buys him meals on numerous occasions, and tries to save the guy’s life when he’s stuck out in the cold. Phil also repeatedly catches a kid who falls out of a tree, helps some women with a flat tire, and performs the Heimlich maneuver on a restaurant goer. As his actions show, helping others doesn’t just only make them feel good — it can make you feel great, too.
Do one thing at a time
Anxiety and overwhelm kick in when there’s a lot going on.
But even when you have a lot to do, it’s impossible to do everything at once. The most effective way to make progress towards any goal is by doing one thing at a time.
Make a list of what’s most important for you to do. Do one thing first. Then, move on to the next. Keep repeating until your day is through. When you get distracted, come back to the one thing you’re focusing on.
Give thanks to whatever or whoever you give thanks to, but acknowledge your own role in your success.
Live in Beauty
The French believe each day should be lived in beauty. No, that doesn’t give free rein to having a closet, cleaning the garage or basement. I do love a nice pair of shoes. It expresses that life is beautiful…hardships and all. Notice the single flower reaching for the sunshine through the snow, or the dog out for a walk, wagging his tail and carrying a favorite ball. That is beauty. It’s also a moment of perfect clarity.
Master Joyful Skills
If you are bored at work or home, put yourself on the path to master joyful skills. This can happen regardless of your time, financial resources or the level of teaching talent available in your community.You will see that even if you are working in a rough neighborhood, with a terrible work schedule and a low wage job, you can cultivate a sense of purpose.
In the movie, Bill Murray brushes up on his piano lessons with a local teacher and eventually rocks out to a full house. He worked with what was available and poured passion and purpose into it. He mastered a joyful skill.
Being stuck in a rut is no fun, but as I always say ‘nothing last forever’! Everything has its season, and I strongly believe that when one door closes another opens. Just as the universe appears to work against us sometimes, it also works for us a lot of the time. Remember that the universe seeks balance, so things will eventually level out, no matter how bad the outlook may be. The more positivism you can foster during this time, the better your chances of getting out of that rut feeling better than ever. You’ll be able to pour that new motivation and energy into your goals, and work that much harder (and focused) on your success. The idea is not to avoid these issues, because sometimes it is not possible, but to be aware of what they mean and know how to turn them into opportunities for new opportunities and personal reinvention .
Forgiveness is the highest form of love and is accessible to all of us. I wish you a blessed day in which to discover the power of forgiveness. God bless you forever!❤️❤️🙏
We all need to grow into self acceptance. Self acceptance means casting off the self-hate born from over-scrutinizing your flaws, allows our gifts given to us by our loving God to shine brighter. It’s what ignites God’s light inside you and me, that which shines out for all the world to see.
Have u had a Garden of Gethsemane moment? Jesus was in deep sorrow & anguish in Gethsemane. At that time He experienced fear, stress, anxiety, broken heartedness, rejection & more. If u have ever experienced these feelings & emotions u r in good company. In love friends🙏✝️❤️🔥
Like the innocent of a child’s love we all gravitate to people that can easily hurt us
Maybe it’s because we love them that they can hurt us so easily
You can’t make anyone love you no matter how bad you want that love it’s gonna hurt
The reality of letting go sometimes stings🖌
Socrates once boldly said that the unexamined life is not worth living. This is a profound notion, and one that speaks many truths to us today. Living an examined life is important; it’s what spurs on growth! We should be always reflecting on our goals, our priorities, our relationships and the way that we treat others. This kind of self-awareness is what helps us reach our highest potential; it’s a wonderful thing. However, as someone who is constantly examining my own life, I have also found that there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. The right way motives and inspires us. It allows us to celebrate our successes but also shows us places for improvement. The wrong way, however, can leave us feeling full of guilt, remorse and regret at the things we have said and done in the past. It is in these moments where learning to forgive ourselves becomes vital.
Some joys are🍂 better expressed in 🍃silence as a smile,🌿 because it holds 🌺more meaning than words. 🍂🍃🌺🌾🌿🍁🍂🍃🌺🌿🌾🍁🍂🍃🌺🌾🌿🍁
Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunshine in a cave facing north.
I’m not interested in whether you’ve stood with the great. I’m interested in whether you’ve sat with the broken
No matter what your problem is don’t nurse it,don’t curse it,don’t rehearse it .Just give it to God and He will reverse it.He is the Great I AM.
How to Live full Life With- Regrets
l am a Registered Nurse by profession. To maintain my Registered Nurse license the Province of Manitoba, I have to renew the Registered Nurse license every single year, this has to be done before December 01. As part of renewal process it includes the completion of Jurisprudence test. Nursing Jurisprudence is the application and interpretation of the principles of law or legal rules as they relate to the practice of nursing,obligations nurses have to their clients, and; relationships nurses have with other nurses and health care professionals. With my hectic schedule I didn’t complete the 2018 test on time. By the time I completed the test submission deadline was done. This meant my registration was terminated on December 31,2018.
When I lost the license I visited the College of Registered Nurses of Manitoba
Office to enquire what I needed to do to reinstate my RN Lincense, they explained to me that I had to complete criminal check and child registry check plus multiple other checks before I could apply for a reinstatement. I was horrified. As the realization set in that I couldn’t “legally” practice as a Registered Nurse in Manitoba, a panicky sad feeling arose in my gut. I began to rationalize in my head all the reasons why this happened. So the reasoning went in my head as I tried to justify why I hadn’t renewed my RN license on time. I was angry at myself because it meant paying a few more hundred dollars that could have paid if I had completed the test on time, it meant a few weeks without work as a Registered Nurse. It meant that signing R.N. after my name when I am not licensed was fraud and material misrepresentation. The day I went out looking for the criminal and child registry checks was very tiring, Every day and weeks of waiting for the College of Registered Nurses of Manitoba decision was a time full of regret and shame, it was very painful and I said lots of “if should have done”. I felt shame because I had to explain to my employer about my situation. I felt shame because I had failed to comply with nursing standards that I had strongly upheld for others.
I am very sure that I am not the only one who has found themselves in a situation where they have regretted or have felt ashamed of their actions. Just to name a few people who have publicly regretted their actions:
- George Clooney has a sparkling resume. But he’s on record as saying he totally messed up his role in 1997’s Batman & Robin.
- Billy Bob Thornton had Angelia Jolie. He had her! And then… “I was just too insecure… people actually said that I didn’t deserve to be with her…when Angie and I got married, during that time, I was more famous than she was to start with and then she becomes this big thing; it’s hard in these relationships. We had a great marriage and I chickened out because I didn’t feel good enough.”
- In an essay titled “Being the Father I Never Had,”written in honor of Father’s Day, the President wrote about his desire to be the best parent he could possibly be for daughters Sasha and Malia. He expressed regret for time spent away from the girls when they were younger, and resolved to be there for them more as they grew up. “When Malia and Sasha were younger, work kept me away from home more than it should have,” Obama wrote in People magazine. “At times, the burden of raising our two daughters has fallen too heavily on Michelle. During the campaign, not a day went by that I didn’t wish I could spend more time with the family I love more than anything else in the world.”
- When a fan asked McCartney what he would do if he had a time machine, the former Beatles member said that he’d go back and spend more time with his mother. Although his lack of family time wasn’t due to overworking — she died when he was just 14 — the sentiment still stands. McCartney has saidthat his love for his mother, and eventually letting go of his pain over losing her, inspired one of the band’s greatest hits and most moving songs, “Let It Be”:
At night when she came home, she would cook, so we didn’t have a lot of time with each other. But she was just a very comforting presence in my life. And when she died, one of the difficulties I had, as the years went by, was that I couldn’t recall her face so easily. That’s how it is for everyone, I think. As each day goes by, you just can’t bring their face into your mind, you have to use photographs and reminders like that. So in this dream 12 years later, my mother appeared, and there was her face, completely clear, particularly her eyes, and she said to me very gently, very reassuringly: ‘Let it be.’
The above celebrities and world leaders have all walked in the same shoes like all of us. we have all been in a situation where you have regretted why you got yourself there in the first place. And now you can’t let go of the guilt, shame, regrets and self loathing for what you did. You believe you must be a bad person. You’re feeling stuck, undeserving of love and happiness, and downright fraudulent, those are the feelings I felt that day. .
In this situation and many other situations where I have felt similar feelings I have learnt that the key element to stress with regret is that you are looking back upon a past event and reflecting upon it. The feeling of regret is not positive, and it comes from strongly wanting to change your actions, your behaviors, your reactions, etc. In the present you are thinking back to a past event, and expressing your regret which may make you feel apologetic, sad, or shameful.
Janet Landman, author of Regret: Persistence of the Possible, defines regret as a “more or less painful cognitive and emotional state of feeling sorry for misfortunes, limitations, losses, transgressions, shortcomings or mistakes. It is an experience of felt-reason or reasoned-emotion. The regretted matters may be sins of commission as well as sins of omission; they may range from the voluntary to the uncontrollable and accidental; they may be actually executed deeds or entirely mental ones committed by oneself or by another person or group; they may be moral or legal transgressions or morally and legally neutral.”
The author of The Seat of the Soul shares the revelation that gets you through those late-night struggles—with yourself. The real reason you keep stumbling on regret: the parts of your personality that originate in fear (such as those that experience remorse, guilt and shame, as well as regret). When one of these becomes active in you, you feel that you have made a mistake, perhaps a big mistake. In other words, regret comes from feeling that you have done something wrong. Each time you feel that you have done something wrong, something you should have and could have done differently, something that would have brought you praise instead of ridicule, gain instead of loss, credit instead of blame, or happiness instead of sorrow, this part of your personality experiences regret.
We feel regret when we realize that something we did (or didn’t do) earlier turned out badly. We ‘kick’ ourself for having done that, and wish we could turn back time to do it differently. For example, you can regret your decision to move to another city, when it is not what you expected it to be. Furthermore, you can regret an inaction – a missed opportunity. For example, when you fail to muster the courage to talk to someone you are attracted to. Regret does not have to involve a deliberate decision, you can also regret not having paid enough attention to something, like when you accidentally send a sensitive email to the wrong person. You can even feel regret about something that you can’t really blame yourself for, like when you buy an expensive device and then find it on sale the next week.
Many of us have known regret. Some regrets are unavoidable, but sometimes they can take over our lives. As Mick Jagger said:
“The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or to regret it, but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.”
You can’t get to age 70 without making a few mistakes. These range from small missteps, which nibble at us to larger errors, which keep us up at night. Perhaps the most harmful memories are of the times when we have accidentally hurt someone else – or ourselves for that matter!In the journey of life we have all made mistakes and hurt people mostly out of immaturity and selfishness in pursuing our own needs or acting out of painful emotions and unformed values. Mistakes and bad choices usually centre around the three biggies of life: relationships, career/finances and health/lifestyle.
You can regret and feel ashamed about past sexual experiences and relationship heartaches, past financial mistakes and misguided career choices and bad habits and unhealthy eating which has led to illness. Maybe you regret an accident that spun on a split second decision.
You can also regret what you failed to achieve such as having children or wishing for more children; the failure to have a happy marriage, be successful, rich or famous or fulfill childhood dreams to develop a talent.
You can torment yourself by mulling over past regrets and wallowing in shame and self-loathing but it is a completely futile exercise because no amount of wallowing can change the past.
And such anguish is damaging to yourself and those around you. You cannot be your best in the present if you are mentally and emotionally beating yourself up for the past and feeling guilty and ashamed with family and friends.
How to Live Without Regrets at Any Age
Regrets can be a good thing to a certain extent–when it evokes productive guilt and teaches us something we can carry forward. But, when it keeps us up at night, causes shame and anxiety, it’s no longer productive.Overcoming regrets is very important if you are going to love a meaningful life. There is no way you can avoid occasional mistakes which sometimes leads to regrets. It all depends on your presumptions of regrets that determine how they affect you, positively or negatively. The question is, while it is “natural” to have regrets, do they have to hurt us? In other words, are there things that we can do to come to terms with our past and start to build a better future? Can we ever reach a point that we can say to ourselves “Yes, it was a mistake, but, I did the best that I could, based on the information that I had at the time. More importantly, what I learned from this situation made me a better person.” Here are some of the ways that may help you to overcome regrets in order to lead a happy life:
- Accept yourself.
Acceptance is the ability to unconditionally value all parts of who you are. That means you acknowledge all of yourself–the good and the things that need improvement. For most of us, self-acceptance can be hard. We tend to be critical of ourselves, but there are a number of ways to learn to accept yourself and your life. It all begins with your state of mind. Yes, you might broken your exercise or diet regimen. Maybe you insulted your friend. Had Bad stuff. Nobody disputes that. But should you feel bad weeks or months later?
When we’re rational about rule-breaking we set a limit. You don’t get 30 years in prison for a traffic ticket. But sometimes you sentence yourself to months or years of emotional pain over minor offenses. By accepting yourself you see the beauty of who you are and what you offer the world. You also accept that no one is perfect and your imperfections are part of who you are and YOU have the choice to change them or accept and love them.It means casting off the self-hate born from over-scrutinizing your flaws, allows your gifts to shine brighter. It’s what ignites the light inside you that shines out for all the world to see.It means self-respect. Self respect plays a huge role in your ability to see your flaws and accept them as-is. In fact, I’d consider it the foundation of unconditional acceptance and when you build that rock-solid foundation of complete self-respect and, you unconditionally accept yourself, the opinions of others will matter a lot less.
That’s not saying you won’t still care what others think…you will but, while you may care what others think of you, it doesn’t determine your actions or your beliefs about yourself.
“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” -Robert F. Kennedy
“Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.” – Henry A. Kissinger
Great leaders are not afraid to have massive, epic failures. To see what went wrong and not repeat those mistakes but instead learn new ways of doing things.
Because I’ve failed greatly, I have also been able to achieve greatly. These failures and lessons can teach you so much. They eventually allow you to achieve greatly. So go on, keep failing greatly because the next awesome achievement is right around the corner.
Failures and lessons learnt from regrets can change you as a person over time, for better and this is what makes life valuable provided you recognize and accept the regrets in order to learn the lessons it has to offer and apply in your life. Always keep in mind that everyone does what they think is the right thing to do in any given situation, but if something goes wrong, only then people realize their action as a mistake. This sort of self-reflection can be really productive. It’s important to take accountability for our mistakes and our failings, and to repair the hurt we cause other people. How else can we do better?
Mistakes in life often occur inadvertently and so there is no need to punish your-self by being sad, depressed, frustrated, and gets indulged in self-pity. That is why you should recognize the real cause of regrets, accept it, forgive yourself, and pick up the lesson in order to move forward confidently.
3.Own your outcomes.
I read a book titled Is This Seat Taken? It’s Never Too Late To Find The Right Seat by Kristin S. Kaufman. The book is anyone who find themselves in circumstances not planned, not expected, not necessarily desired, and they are asking themselves, “What am I going to do now?”
I believe that, there is not a single person who has not faced an unexpected situation, a newfound reality, a daunting challenge, or veiled opportunity and not wondered what to do. You may feel that you have made poor choices, that your opportunities have passed you by, or that you’re playing musical chairs, the music has stopped, and all the seats are taken. If you have, like the millions of us, please do not get stuck in self-defeating thought loops – acknowledge your regrets and move on. There is a quote that I love from the movie Slumdog Millionaire: “Everything will be OK in the end – and if it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”
Work toward owning every part of your realities–not just the things that need work but also your strengths and successes. Owning all your outcomes can help teach you to do better next time, to see failure as a learning moment.
- 4. Practice Self Forgiveness.
If you are reading this blog, there is a good chance you are not a horrific human being. You obviously care about your own healing and about the people you love that you probably have caused pain due to your action, which you now regret about. Whatever has happened you, it is time to show kindness and compassion to yourself, to those that have been hurt, to forgive yourself and let go.
In the Movie “Frozen,” Elsa, the older sister, sings these words: “Let it go, let it go … And I’ll rise like the break of dawn … ”
Let it go.
Those are words I sensed God speaking to me as I walked to Winnipeg Police Headquarters to get a criminal check and Manitoba Child Registry that cold day, I could hear God’s soft voice telling me that it was ok, to let go the regrets of losing my RN license.
“Let go of the past that you cannot undo.”Instead of seeing our regrets as an anchor to the past, let’s see them as a light to the future. Let’s forgive ourselves wholeheartedly and without reservation. Let’s talk our younger, perhaps more confused, self and tell her “No worries – you turned out ok in the end!”
“Let go of the hurts that hold you too tightly.”
‘When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.’
–Alexander Graham Bell
- Do the opposite of what you regret.
We can’t change the past, but what we do have control over is how we will live our lives going forward. Regret is a painful, albeit effective teacher. Learn from its lessons. Though we are all subject to the same human condition, and we will continue to make mistakes as long as we live, taking note of what regret has taught us can prevent the repeating of similar actions we will be sorry for in the future. Replace regretful contemplation with positive action. When wishing you had done things differently overwhelms your thinking, get proactive. Channel your thoughts into what is uplifting. Read something that inspires you. Do something nice for someone. Reach out with a benevolent hand. Be kind to everyone you meet. Smile. We are all in the ring with wishing we had done things differently in the past, but it is amazing how doing something positive, productive, and constructive will knock out the giant of regret.
- Prevent further regret.
Take what led to your regret and double your efforts to avoid repeating the same mistake. If you wish you’d stepped up for a previous promotion, speak up before the next opportunity arises, increase your value to the company, and look for every chance to be thought of as the go-to employee ready for the next level.
- Practice Generosity: A life that revolves around selfish pursuits and egotism is not a life well-lived. You will be remembered by what you have done for others and the world at large, rather than what you have done for Be selfless, compassionate and try and give back whenever and wherever you can.
- Avoid negative people
Negative people are best avoided, because they can foist their bad attitudes on you, and even get to you. Remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, not an obligation. Once you realize this and begin to keep it in mind, you will open up your world to compassion over anger, generosity over greed, and patience over anxiety.
- Believing in better results. You should always make it a priority in life to let go of what no longer serves you. Sometimes we need to be floored by a bad relationship or other situation, as hitting rock bottom can actually be the springboard we need for us to stand taller than we ever did before. The tears we cry can sometimes clear our eyes so we can see the possibilities that lie in front of us.Remember not to settle for anything less than you deserve.
Recognize Your Own Abundance
Have you ever noticed that people who are constantly worrying about money seem to only attract more hardship into their lives..?
And that single people who feel their life is nothing without being in a relationship seem to be constantly sabotaging their own love-life?
The problem is that these people are repelling the things that they want the most. In order to attract what we want into our lives, we first need to remove our attachment to what we want and realize that we are ALREADY living with abundance.
Right now, you have everything you need. You may want to increase your wealth, but realize that you are already wealthy. You have a roof over your head, food, clothing, and people who care about you.
So to help you become more aware of your own abundance, give yourself little daily reminders of all of the things in your life you have to be grateful for.
By doing this, you will naturally start to become a more positive and appreciative person… A person who lives life with no regrets!
Analysing our own shortcomings can prevent us from behaving repeatedly in dysfunctional ways. As we incorporate these learning experiences into our decisions and actions, we are less likely to get stuck in.
Hopefully, the insights revealed by our regrets will help us elevate our decisions so that we don’t regret tomorrow how we lived today.So next time you find yourself regretting something you did, try to face up to instead of pretending it didn’t happen and be compassionate with yourself. You might just be able to get over it.
One of the gravest disservices we inflict on ourselves is to judge the decisions we made then based upon what we know now. We only gain such knowledge through the portal of trial and error — and making mistakes.
Making space for regrets and being gentle with them is a step toward softening their hold over us. Affirming that it’s natural to have regrets may relieve some of the shame that keeps us frozen.
Redemption lies not in trying to eliminate regrets, but in using them as a doorway to increase our understanding of ourselves, others, and life itself.Being stuck there, is not helpful and often not fair to our abilities and potential. Regrets are human, we need to learn to live with them in peace – side by side. Remember, regrets can turn into the experiences that help you unfold your potential.